A mantra for growth, grace, and grounding in hard moments.
“I am all of that and I am none of that.”
Communicating well is very important to me, and the underlying need is to be understood. Seen.
But what happens when it all goes sideways?
The mantra above was my dose of redirection.
People have their own lens shaped by their background and experiences that bend their interpretation toward conforming with what they expect out of others. Add to the top of that that I am truly I am an imperfect human. No matter how hard I try, I’m going to fall short on pleasing every one in every way in every moment.
(And that’s just my inner people pleaser talking. There’s also the part of me with good boundaries that knows that’s not my job.)
And as much as I may want to place the blame on others or reject their diagnosis of my motives and intent, Carl Jung made it clear that I am participating in a defense mechanism right along with them.
They may be projecting onto me, but I am also projecting onto right back onto them. They have become the anti-hero in my story, and me in theirs.
(Noted: Isn’t that a great description of our current political climate?)
Like you, I want a return to civility in our discourse, but not the kind that ignores what needs to be seen. I want the kind that guides us all to being more contemplative and aware of how we are participating in the dynamic BEFORE we go into a death spiral.
So back in my late 30s I developed that phrase above to keep me steady and grounded in the growth that *I* can take from any interaction.
“I am all of that . . .”
I absolutely CAN carry the qualities that have been used to describe me. And some feel more like a fit than others, pausing to consider that I have not yet “arrived” at showing up well for everyone and that I have more work to do, no matter how nuanced . . . that keeps me grounded in personal growth. What lesson can I take from this moment? Are they naming something in me that I am not yet capable of seeing?
“I am none of that . . .”
And still that is not all of who I am. I am so much more than the little box we try to put one another into, and I do not need to be relegated to any label, to the worst of what I do, or to the worst someone else can imagine of me. I am good enough, and striving to be better.
I just wonder what would happen if the world tried on this mantra before engaging. What if by allowing ourselves room to grow, we allowed others the same? What might change?
I am all of that, and I am none of that.
Communicating well matters to me. Underneath it the driving motive is that I want to be understood. Seen.
But what happens when it all goes sideways?
That mantra above (a la 30-something Renee) has been my personal dose of redirection.
Each of us interprets others through our own lens, shaped by background and experiences. Those filters bend what we hear and see toward what we expect. Add to that my own very-human imperfections, and of course I fall short sometimes. I can’t possibly please everyone, in every way, in every moment.
(Even as I write that, I recognize that’s just my inner people pleaser talking. The part of me with good boundaries knows full well—that’s not my job. BUT, that does not fully absolve me if I want to create a better world!)
When someone misinterprets me, my first instinct can be to push blame back on them. To reject their read on my motives and intent. Don’t they know how hard I try to be “good?!” But Jung reminded us: projection goes both ways.
They may be projecting onto me. But I’m projecting right back.
They’ve become the anti-hero in my story. And me in theirs.
(Which, let’s be honest, sounds a lot like the current political climate.)
Like you, I long for civility in our discourse—not the shallow kind that avoids conflict, but the deeper kind that slows us down. The kind that calls us to notice how WE are participating in the dynamic before we death spiral into polarization.
That’s why, in my late 30s, I started carrying this mantra:
“I am all of that…”
Yes. I can AND do hold some of the qualities others name in me. Sometimes the words fit, sometimes less so, but every label holds a chance for reflection. What lesson can I take from this moment? Are they naming something I haven’t yet been able to see? No matter how small my slice of the situation may be, I am still being handed this moment.
“I am none of that…”
And still, I am more than the little box someone else puts me in. More than the worst of what I do, or the worst someone imagines of me. I am good enough—and still striving to grow. I don’t need to toss THIS baby out with the bath water.
I wonder what might shift if more of us tried on this mantra before reacting. What if we gave ourselves room (and grace) to grow and extended that same grace to others? What if we couldn’t all be divided into the social media-driven monoliths of red and blue? What if (and I believe this) we truly were placed here in all this chaos with other humans for the purpose of having human experiences, human relationships, human connections and to truly recognize that humanity in everyone—even our enemies. Even ourselves?
What kind of world might we create?