As we enter an “it’s complicated” season of the year—a season that can leave us feeling alienated if our families are not safe or nourishing—I’ve been sitting with some thoughts on attachment, inspired by Linda Thai’s class, “The Missing Pieces in Attachment Theory: A Decolonized Approach.”
BACKGROUND
In classical attachment frameworks, we talk about the type of secure attachment we form with reliable sources of nurturing and comfort from our “good enough” caregivers. Many people now recognize phrases like “anxious attachment” or “avoidant attachment” as styles of connecting and disconnecting from meaningful people in our lives. The idea is that our attachment style is formed in those early years as we learn how to get what we need from caregivers who may behave less than ideally.
Linda Thai brings a framework rooted in being from an immigrant family whose focus was survival in unfriendly systems and making their way in a new environment. She proposes that our models for attachment are woefully inadequate for many people when the system put us closer to basic survival than to higher-level belongingness and self-actualization needs (think Maslow). In many ways, attachment as described in our traditional models is a privilege (made more accessible through colonialism and our detachment from the natural world—not an ideal path to wellbeing!!). So she seeks to describe a more expansive concept of secure attachment.
But what would happen if no one owned anything, no one had power over, and we stayed intimately connected to our natural selves?
So she offers new ways to understand secure attachment, proposing five routes beyond caregivers when we are in adverse environments: nature, ancestors, culture, body, and time.
FAMILY VS ANCESTORS
Because we think of this as a “family” time of year, I especially want to talk about ancestors as a path to attachment. Thai describes ancestors as not only being people from our bloodline!
She includes professionals and activists we hold in regard (think favorite teachers or historical figures), spiritual and religious leaders we hold dear, “more than human” connections like pets or animals, and even elementals.
HERE’S MY EXPERIENCE
In the past, when I tried generational ancestral inquiries, I found myself panicking. My family of origin does not discuss a lot of familial history, so I am left to my imagination. Understanding likely sources of some of our patterns, I felt my ancestors as strong but possibly dark (some by character and others simply because I have no clarity on WHO they are). This became challenging to work through—especially as a person who believes that we are all so much more than our greatest sins.
Why am I suddenly only able to focus on the dark?
(Does that sound like your holiday mood?)
When I expanded my understanding beyond family, as Thai proposed, to “those who believed in you more than you believed in yourself,” the energy shifted. This (apparently common) quote was particularly useful in this reimagining: “You are your ancestor’s wildest dream.”
Whoah. I suddenly felt held up by the generations.
Sure, as their “little s” self (not their higher and wise self), some ancestors may have felt jealous or critical. Some may have had challenging personalities or even done harm.
BUT . . .
When I reach back and wonder: what did they dream of for themselves? I imagine education, freedom, kindness, a new life, a new world, the ability to think beyond survival, the ability to care for others and return good to the world.
I’m sure their “big S” Self is filled with light, love, and hope, even if it wasn’t always accessible in the daily grind. Yes I was holding them to their “little s” self and to their greatest sins.
In this practice, I also reach toward my “totem” animal that always shows up to point me in the right direction, and the birds that have mastered life on earth, sea, and sky—true survivors that trust the next updraft will carry them forward. I find soothing in elementals (I particularly love the ones that flow like water and air, as they teach me to let go and trust), and I feel attached to something greater through my personal spiritual practices.
I hold historical figures who represent love and the fight for justice as my values-driven ancestors, ones who show me what it’s like to feel passion and speak up for the wellbeing of others. These are the beings I will NOW bring into my circle of ancestors as I look for a sense of belonging and strength that knows no “little s” self limits.
WHAT I WISH FOR YOU
So many of us can feel a lack of support and a deep disconnect during this season. I hope we can all try a new alignment.
All our families are different, but I encourage you to step into this reframing of attachment through ancestors—not just bloodline, but also professional/activist, spiritual/religious, “more than human,” and elemental.
I encourage you to reach for those who believe in you more than you believe in yourself and allow them into your imagination in their most perfectly supportive selves.
From this understanding of ancestors, I invite you to create space and ritual for yourself in this season, where you can feel a web of belonging and support. Where you can truly step into YOUR “big S” energy (pop culture meme pun totally intended).
And I hope this newsletter is among those sources of strength in the delicate web that supports your light.
Many blessings to you near this solstice, as light makes its return to the earth.
May you know peace.
Renee